Pardon me, Brother

Dear President NeO,

Although I appreciate you finally using your pardoning power after all this time, I don't think carefully considered my earlier post, Top Five Black Men That Need Pardons. Instead you pardoned somebody for "mutilation of coins" (?). That's okay. We knew that we would have to wait a while for you to bring some food out the backdoor of the big house, but it's been two years now and we must all deal with the harsh reality that if you don't send these pardons through now, before the Presidential election season really starts to heat up on January 1st (!), then they're not going to happen. Here's an updated list:

5. Remy Ma

They told Reminisce Mackie to Lean Back in the belly of the beast for shooting a close acquaintance after a bout of heavy drinking. Word to Dick Cheney.

Sorry, Remy. The "Four Loko" defense only works for Rethugs

4. Michael Vick

Have you seen this brother throw the football lately? Who would have thought that Michael Vick would be more popular than you, NeO? If The Michael Vick Experience ends with a Super Bowl, you might actually pick up a few percentage points by giving out this pardon. Don't worry, Bo is nothing if not a pragmatist.

I'm tired of defending you, Mr. President.

 3. Shyne

Well, he's out now. I mean he's free, not that he's got an album out. Swell guy though.

2. Kwame Kilpatrick

I can see the wisdom with this one. If you were going to issue Kwame a pardon, you might want to wait until his ignance reaches it's peak. That way you don't have to double pardon him later. Although Mr. Kilpatrick has been a marvel, a phenom of ignance if you will, you have to believe that he has yet untapped reserves. There's a Marion Barry in you yet, KK.

Maybe it's time to call in that Rick Ross collabo.

1. Clarence Thomas

I'm with you on this one, NeO. Not only is it impossible to pardon someone from their own mental incarceration, even if you did, we both know Ichellemay would go up side your head. Get your, girl, CT. She's really not helping your case with the phone calls.

Don't be playing on my phone.

And while you're at it...

Blade

They got the Daywalker, NeO! You know Deacon Frost is somewhere laughing his ass off. Forget about North Korea. What about the world wide vampire conspiracy to suck our blood using pointy fangs and a Constitutionally illegitimate tax code?

Top Five Black Men That Need Pardons

Shake em up, shake em up, shake em up, shake em...

The Presidential pardon is one of the sweetest deals in all of politics. You do your dirt for 4 or 8 years, and when you get caught, you get somebody else to take the blame. With President Bush getting ready to leave office, I'm sure he's making his list and checking it twice. *Ahem*

And now that Barack Obama's victory is all but certain (I mean, what could really go wrong, right? Just kidding, God. Don't play!), we need to start planning our next step. Funk health care, education, and the economy, there's some brothers that we need to get out of prison.

5. Remy Ma--Okay, she's not a brother, but Reminisce Mackie needs to be on this list. Now, she did shoot a friend after having a few drinks, but at least she didn't make her victim issue a public apology for getting in the way of her bullets like Dick Cheney did.

Stay strong, Papoose!

4. Michael Vick--Speaking of Presidents of Vice, let me get this straight: It's okay to assassinate a wolf from a helicopter and rip open a freshly-killed moose with a hunting knife, but dog fighting is unspeakable. Hmmm, that don't sound right. Please let this brother out so he can go back to doing what he does best: selling shoes and throwing interceptions.

Ron Mexico never meant no harm

3. Shyne (AKA Jamal Barrow)--Remember this brother? Sounded like Biggie, acted like Tupac? Shot up the club and tore asunder the Camelot that was J-Lo and Diddy? Hasn't he suffered enough? Haven't we all suffered enough?

Note to self: Next time, take name tag off gun before busting shots

2. Kwame Kilpatrick--So what if he may have improperly used city resources to cover up an illicit affair and then lied about it under oath. Have you heard? He's the HIP HOP MAYOR! Just imagine the type of expertise he could bring to an Obama administration. I can see it now: Secretary of Stuntin.

Don't you understand? I'm the Hip Hop Mayor!

1. Clarence Thomas--Is there a presidential pardon for mental incarceration? Just wondering.

Too easy

NOTE--OJ would have made this list, but his recent imprisonment is part of the deal that Obama made with the Illuminati at their secret meeting in Davos, Switzerland: Barack can be president, but Black people can't say nothing when the Juice gets squeezed. Alas.

Hello, I'm OJ Simpson.