Friday, October 31, 2008

We Wear the Obama Mask

Dear Whitefolks,

It looks like you done figured it out. Apparently, you discovered our secret plot. Perhaps you uncovered the cache of fried chicken and hotwings we were saving for field rations. Or maybe it was all the Colt 45 bottles we were stashing to use as Molotov Cocktails. Or perhaps you simply read the trails of our watermelon seeds.

But now that we've been found out, we might as well come clean:

Yes, if Barack Obama is not elected President of the United States on November 4th, Blackfolks are going to riot.

I know it's been several years since we had our last riot, but lately we have been a little anxious. First there was the whole OJ thing, which we were going to riot about, but forgot to. And then there was the Kwame Kilpatrick thing, which came at a completely awful time for us to riot--maybe if it had been after the first of the month. But honestly, we've been feeling a little ignored.

For a while we weren't sure how we fit into the whole Axis of Evil/Terrorist-thing because it seems you Whitefolks' attention has been pulled away from us. Now there's the Arabs (this includes Iranians because only terrorists would try and make a distinction), the Chinese (sneaky!), the Russians (sneakier!), and even Somali pirates (can those people even swim!?) to be afraid of.

Obama has helped us remember that we aren't really that different from the Arabs, as far as you're concerned. But you have been kind of slipping lately. Your racism these days is kind of weak. Subtle, even.

You can't blame us for getting a little uppity. Remember what you always used to tell us: "give a N an inch..."We didn't have anyone to remind us of our place. We even started believing that this Black man. This Brother. Could actually be President of the United States. That maybe there would come a day where you wouldn't be running things. How could you let us think such dangerous thoughts! You know we are an emotional people! WE TEND TO TALK IN CAPITAL FONTS AND USE EXCESSIVE PUNCTUATION!!!!!!!!!

But now you know. It's not too late. Even if we riot, who really cares because we only burn up our own communities? It's not like our streets are that peaceful to begin with (LOLOLOLOLOLOL). And so what if Obama is the better candidate and everybody knows it? There is still time to put us in our place and let us know who is boss.

You are still our plumber and we are still your moose.

With loving sincerity,


PS. BTW, even if he wins, we still gone riot. You know we crazy! :)

Sunday, October 26, 2008

The Post-Hope Obama and Other Thoughts

1. I guess my question is now: if we go Black, will we ever go back? Where are we going to find jobs for all these old nefarious White men?

2. John McCain: It ain't tricking if you got it. Sure she spent $150,000 on a shopping spree and laced her 1st Dude in $5,000 worth of clothes and made sure Baby Trig had the latest in House of Dereon streetwear, but did you think they was going to let her get up in front of all them rich people wearing some old moose hunting camo? You betcha, not.

Get like me!

Come on now! Don't hate because a sista is trying to step her game up. I know Minnesota Congresswoman Super-American Michele Bachmann could use some of that change after she put her foot in her mouth and the RNC cut off her check, but there's an old Alaskan saying that applies here: it bees like that.

Besides, Cindy McCain spent twice that on one outfit.

Your man might be young, but so is your money.

By the way, you better get used to the Palin thing. Ole' girl ain't going nowhere and she's going to be major by the time we get to 2012.

2. It appears that election day is going to look like that scene from The Firm where Wilford Brimley starts talking crap to Tom Cruise and ends up getting bludgeoned with a briefcase for his trouble.
What's up with the hookup on one of them dia-beet-us commercials?

The big difference will be that a) Wilford Brimley is actually younger than John McCain (no lie) and b) Barack is going to be flashing that smile while he's swinging away, probably whistling 99 Problems.

3. But what happens after the election? Republicans are running around like roaches with the lights cut on because they say that Barack will have one of the largest mandates of the last couple decades, will have control of both houses of congress, and will have access to an executive branch that is more powerful (and corrupt) than its ever been. I believe in Barack and what he says he's going to do, but it makes me a little nervous too. The most important thing he can do for this country is bring balance back to the Executive branch. I know there's a lot of things that he wants to do, but he's going to have to show some restraint or the unconstitutional changes that Bush made will be set, and be even harder to undo. Luckily, I think he gets that. We'll see.
Just be sure to maintain the dignity of the office.

4. I've been getting posted at school and haven't had time to post, but it really hurt my feelings when I couldn't write about the passing of my man Levi Stubbs. That brother could sang! It's hard for me to think of anyone who used the urgency and passion of his voice to tell a story. The first time I heard him sing Bernadette, I knew what it meant to marry tone with narrative. That's a big loss.

4. And Dolemite died too. I'm not sure how to feel about that because Dolemite always seemed like such a minstrel actor to me, but his movies are so bad that they're almost good. I guess it's kind of related to my dilemma about what I'm going to wear for Halloween. I would like to go as Sir Nose D'Voidoffunk, but I know everybody's just going to think I'm dressed as a pimp. Obviously that's not a good look for a teacher of impressionable youth. And plus, now it's cool for White people to have Pimp and Ho parties, and that makes me want to hurt someone. So, Dolemite, I love you, but I hate your pimp game.


5. By the way, I knew that McCain supporter was lying about getting tattooed by some Angryblackman. That didn't make any sense from the beginning and shows why diversity is so important: an ignorant person will tell an ignorant lie. She needs to get some Black friends or hang out at Popeye's or go to a barber shop or something, than she could come with something believable. Brothers that are sitting around ATMs waiting for White women are not looking to make a political statement--they just trying to get your money. In fact, Michelle Obama is more likely to get robbed by a brother at an ATM than a White woman. Sad, but true.


Thursday, October 16, 2008

What's a goon to a goblin?

For those of you who missed it, here's a condensed version of last night's presidential debate. Thanks TPM.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Gordon Gecko, John McCain, and Fatcatism

Yes, the economy has been destroyed and we're all going to die. Well, we had a nice run.

The one saving grace of this whole situation has been hearing folks like John McCain rail against "fat cats" on Wall Street and their "excessive greed." Maybe I'm new to this, but since when has Wall Street ever run on anything besides greed?

Perhaps I missed the free breakfast programs and job training classes they offer down at the Wall Street soup kitchen, but as far as I know there's only one law on Wall Street: Get yours. Don't take my word for it, let Gordon Gecko break it down for you.

"Greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right. Greed works. Greed cuts through and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed in all of it's forms: greed for life, greed for money, greed for love, knowledges, has marked the upward surge in mankind, and greed, you mark my words, will not only save Teldar Paper, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA."

Very poetic, in a Rumsfeldian kind of way. My point is that it's funny to have people complaining about the evils of Wall Street greed when the place was built on an ideology that favors the capitalization of all human life and natural resource.
(Well, if you want to get technical, Wall Street was actually built on a massive grave site for African slaves. In the pre-Revolutionary War period, Wall Street was a trading floor for African slaves and at that time 40% of all New York homes owned slaves. But I digress.)

So yes, greed has gotten out of control, but no, it's not surprising. When there's no one watching, greed is going to trump humanity and 91 year old women are going to be driven to suicide because they can't pay their mortgages. That's why we have governments and laws in the first place.

Gecko's words are prescient, especially when he identifies the United States of America as a "malfunctioning corporation." Think about it. Over the last eight years we've seen attempts to privatize almost every aspect of government, from our schools, to our military, to our voting rights, to our national parks, to our social security to our health care (oh wait, that's already privitized). And the list goes on and on.

Now we done bought 700 billion dollars of bad mortgages. We're not in the middle of an "economic crisis," y'all. This is a hostile takeover.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Top Five Black Men That Need Pardons

Shake em up, shake em up, shake em up, shake em...

The Presidential pardon is one of the sweetest deals in all of politics. You do your dirt for 4 or 8 years, and when you get caught, you get somebody else to take the blame. With President Bush getting ready to leave office, I'm sure he's making his list and checking it twice. *Ahem*

And now that Barack Obama's victory is all but certain (I mean, what could really go wrong, right? Just kidding, God. Don't play!), we need to start planning our next step. Funk health care, education, and the economy, there's some brothers that we need to get out of prison.

5. Remy Ma--Okay, she's not a brother, but Reminisce Mackie needs to be on this list. Now, she did shoot a friend after having a few drinks, but at least she didn't make her victim issue a public apology for getting in the way of her bullets like Dick Cheney did.

Stay strong, Papoose!

4. Michael Vick--Speaking of Presidents of Vice, let me get this straight: It's okay to assassinate a wolf from a helicopter and rip open a freshly-killed moose with a hunting knife, but dog fighting is unspeakable. Hmmm, that don't sound right. Please let this brother out so he can go back to doing what he does best: selling shoes and throwing interceptions.

Ron Mexico never meant no harm

3. Shyne (AKA Jamal Barrow)--Remember this brother? Sounded like Biggie, acted like Tupac? Shot up the club and tore asunder the Camelot that was J-Lo and Diddy? Hasn't he suffered enough? Haven't we all suffered enough?

Note to self: Next time, take name tag off gun before busting shots

2. Kwame Kilpatrick--So what if he may have improperly used city resources to cover up an illicit affair and then lied about it under oath. Have you heard? He's the HIP HOP MAYOR! Just imagine the type of expertise he could bring to an Obama administration. I can see it now: Secretary of Stuntin.

Don't you understand? I'm the Hip Hop Mayor!

1. Clarence Thomas--Is there a presidential pardon for mental incarceration? Just wondering.

Too easy

NOTE--OJ would have made this list, but his recent imprisonment is part of the deal that Obama made with the Illuminati at their secret meeting in Davos, Switzerland: Barack can be president, but Black people can't say nothing when the Juice gets squeezed. Alas.

Hello, I'm OJ Simpson.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Mr. Gonzo's greatest hit

This is what I'm talking about. Mr. Gonzo uses the phrase "Senator, I don't recall..." 72 times in a Judiciary Committee Hearing meeting regarding the US Attorney firings. It's hard to be mad at someone who looks like they're having so much fun telling people to go funk themselves. Come back to us Mr. Gonzo!

And yes, as per Jackson's suggestion, Mr. Gonzo does look like Ernie.

What was up with him and that rubber duckey, btw?